Emotional Waterboarding

By M. Allshouse

You’re silence wounds me–

barbed wire around my neck

A noose made of needled accusations

You swear doesn’t exist.

I wilt beneath the scorching light

You gaze upon me with–

Offering up my heart, vulnerable,

To your interrogation

Only to be met with disapproval

And disgust you disguise as “fair.”

Was the love and security

You once wrapped me in

Just… a mask?

Or is this apathy

A consequence–

A punishment for being far too raw

With someone still bleeding?

I ache for you.

My love, a tumor I’m not allowed to drain,

Floods my lungs with bittersweet bile.

It stings to hold it in–

Drowning slowly

In something you once called beautiful.

But to let it out

And still be called a fraud–

That’s a death of another kind.

My soul is screaming.

Mourning in anguish.

Clipped wings,

Carved from my back 

By your hands wrapped in silence

Soaked in the tears of the betrayal it brings

I Love you

Not as a siren,

Not as a trick…

But as someone who is drowning

In the very silence you taught me to fear.

This is not performance.

It’s my spirit clawing at the edges of my sanity, 

Gasping for truth in the pool of your doubt.

Is this a test?

A trial I must endure

To prove myself worthy?

Deserving of your affection?

Is it still a trial if the game has been rigged?

Will you be waiting

at the shores of my mind 

when I ascend?

Arms open like before?

Or will you be the one 

Who shoves me under again?

The water reeks-

Not of hatred for you,

But for what I’ve become:

A woman begging for salvation 

from someone

Who once made her feel divine.

Worthy.

Like she had finally found purchase 

In a land that offered nothing

But instability.

I can see you there–

Standing at the edge 

with an open hand–

But it feels like another test

And I know…

My emotional waterboarding

Is about to start all over again.