Golden Calf Confessional

“His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.

This is my beloved, this is my friend…”

—Song of Solomon 5:16

The first time I was unholy,

I didn’t know I was praying.

Maybe it wasn’t that I was praying—

maybe it was what I was praying for.

Like wishing upon a star

for divine intervention,

that the universe would deem me worthy—

worthy of a life full of happiness and love.

Seeing what others had

and praying desperately to have that for myself—

Was it greed?

Jealousy?

Was that what made it unholy?

My great sinful flaw:

to ache for a feeling of completeness.

No—

I don’t believe that was the wicked part.

Because to ache to feel whole

is so intrinsically human—

who we are as a mass,

designed to inevitably be searching

for our missing piece,

our other half,

the rib we are missing

just as Adam had.

When I prayed for you,

that was far from sinful.

It was human.

Maybe the transgression

was that those prayers

were never directed to the unseen God

I was plied to believe in—

but to people

who could never offer me divinity.

I was looking for it

in the ones who only echoed hollow promises,

false gods dressed as lovers.

Until I found… you.

If you were the golden calf Aaron crafted,

I can understand

why the people didn’t hesitate

to bow and worship—

Beautiful

not just physically,

but in concept… in soul.

So if loving you

in the worshipful way I was born to

is a sin—

then I don’t mind being declared a heretic,

if we end up together in the end.